The social worker is going to have a fun time with this one...

That's right. Social worker. I had my first OB/GYN appointment at the Naval Medical Center here and they decided to mandate me to see a social worker based on my responses to their 10-question quiz.

Let's talk about this. My appointment was at 10:00. It wasn't until 11:00 that they saw me, after I approached the desk several times wondering what was going on.

And then I'm given this quiz. All questions began with, "In the past 7 days..."

"Have you felt out of control?".... ummm... YES.

"Have you felt sad?" .... Very much YES.

"Have you cried?" .... YES. You would too if you were here! And what pregnant woman doesn't cry?

"Have you feared for your life?" .... Well, there's that whole scared someone's going to come steal my baby thing... dang Criminal Minds. But I don't think I'm crazy if I admit my fears are irrational. Right?

"Have you tried to hurt yourself?" .... No. I think I got bonus points for that.

I don't remember the rest, but you get the gist. What a perfect time for someone to give me a quiz like that. Oh well, at least I'll have someone to complain to on a regular basis.

Caution... [un]Loading Zone ahead

Okay, major venting is about to take place. If you don't like to read that kind of stuff... move on.

If I don't get all these frustrations out, I'm going to drive myself crazy. I typically have my husband to unload upon, but that's not an option so my dear 3 readers will get to take his place.

I feel like I've been putting on this fake persona of happiness and appreciation. I know I SHOULD feel this things, after all I'm healthy, my family's healthy, we're safe, we have a roof over our head and food to eat. I feel so much pressure to be happy because I don't want my husband to feel bad for me or to worry about us while he is deployed.

So many things have been bombarding me and I'm really about to just lose it. I spend almost every day fighting back tears and every night thinking that someone is plotting to break in and steal my baby (I blame that last one on too many episodes of Criminal Minds, a show I no longer watch thanks to all these irrational fears it's spawned).

I'll begin with being in Virginia. We're not supposed to be here. We're supposed to be in Mississippi. Anthony was top of his class and was the ONLY officer to NOT get his pick of station. If I were there, I'd have family 2 hours away ready to help with anything. Instead, we're here in Virginia, in a house that's falling apart around me, and with no one. To top it off, the ship Anthony's on is out to see 220 days of the year. When he was recruited, he was told he wouldn't be gone for more than 2 weeks at a time and for a total of 4 months. We're going to be in Virginia for 2 years, but we'll only have Anthony here with us for less than 1.

So this house. First let me say, NEVER rent a house site unseen. EVER. Do what you can to get your butt to wherever you're looking and LOOK AT THE HOUSE.

We walk into this house and it is FILTHY. There are holes in the walls, scuffs and smudges and food on the walls, dents in the walls, nails in the walls, push pins in the walls... THE WALLS!!! I feel like I'm surrounded by a constant reminder of the homeowners and their filth.

The property manager tells us at 4:00 before the day we are supposed to move in that the A/C and hot water heater don't work. Oh, and he tells us this when WE call HIM.

The garbage disposal doesn't work at all and has all kinds of icky yuck inside it.

We weren't given keys to any of the doors other than the front door. (we also have a side door, back door, and garage door)

The garage door is broken.

Two of the three toilets run all day.

One toilet has a broken lid on the tank.

Roaches rule the deck and can be seen crawling in and out of the woodwork at night.

The threshold at the back door isn't even connected to the house and lets water in.

The back yard isn't fenced, although we were told it was.

The pantry had stuff spilt all over the shelves.

The washer leaks in between uses.

A door in one of the bedrooms was left in the garage and has spider webs all over it. (it's still not attached to the door frame)

One of the ceiling fans is broken.

The banisters leading up the front steps are about to fall over.

The water smells like dirt.

The dining room light was hanging by a cable.

The flower beds are full of weeds (that we're expected to pull).

One of the toilet paper holders is broken.

The carpet is all ripped up in one of the bedrooms.

The closet doors don't open in one of the bedrooms.

And the master closet now has piles of clothes on the floor because the bars broke.

The thing that really pisses me off is that these owners knew about these things and did nothing. It's a major inconvenience for me to now schedule all the repair men necessary to get these things fixed. Ridiculous. I don't know these people, but I really don't like them. They left us a dump. We could probably get out of our lease, I mean I'm pretty sure we were legitimately misled. However, we cannot afford to move. The military isn't going to pay to move us again. I certainly can't move us by myself and Anthony won't be home until the baby is born.

And thanks to our move here, my daughter will have no one at her 2nd birthday party but me. I'll also be spending my anniversary alone, just like I did my birthday and Mother's Day.

This is not the life my husband or I wanted for our family. He was misled at his recruitment interview. Had he known he could get on a ship like this, he wouldn't have signed up. He originally wanted to be a chaplain in the Air Force, but didn't because of the time that would be spent away. Now he's locked in to spend more time away than he would have as a chaplain.

But I know that he's doing good things. I know that he is good at this and our country will be better off to have him serving in this capacity. He's very smart and can now combine that with his love of adventure.

I almost started crying in church today because when I asked someone where Sunday School was, she wouldn't even turn around to look at me to answer. She just pointed and then started talking to someone who walked by. I felt invisible all day. It's not often that a 7 1/2 month pregnant woman feels invisible. Today was the day I needed someone to see me, to acknowledge that I'm here and that I'm not alone.

To top it all off, my mom went back to her deadbeat husband. The man's a liar, an abuser, a criminal, and a thief. I have never before met someone so wicked and I pray that I never do. When you're around him, you can literally feel the spirit leaving you, he's that bad. Yet she claims she loves him. He has cut my brake lines and threatens to have my entire family slaughtered... how can you love someone like that? If someone tried to KILL my daughter, it would be very difficult for me to even look upon their face, let alone sleep in the same bed and share the same name. She frustrates me. Her head is so screwed up thanks to this scumbag. My children will never know her, so long as this man is anywhere in her life.

I do know that ultimately Heaven Father is in control. I know that I'm entitled as an obedient daughter of God to the companionship of the Holy Ghost and to the strength of the Atonement. But this knowledge is not like waving a magic wand. I feel so ungrateful to have so many things to complain about, and I hate feeling that way. Just because I do have a roof over my head doesn't mean I don't feel stress... I guess all of us have a breaking point and I'm coming very close to mine.

There. A good cry and a good vent. Sorry about all the scattered thoughts.

Apple Banana Muffins

Go check out my post at So Maybe Mom Was Right. These muffins are SO delicious!

Domestic Violence

There's a lot of confusion in this world about one little four-letter word.

L O V E .

What is love?

Love is...

Love is not...

I know these images are horrible and unsettling to look at. But the faces of these women make a grand point. Love and violence have no place together. The two are oil and water.

My mother has been in an abusive marriage for almost 4 years. It is something that has torn our family apart. She met her abuser online and was swept away by a fairy tale of nice houses, luxury cars, and fabulous parties. He lied to her from the gate. He told her he was a successful business man and that he owned x, y, z. He proceeded to convince her to give him close to $250,000, before he even married her. He harassed her continually, although she thought it was signs of his love. He would call her at work repeatedly, break into her home to "surprise" her, and call her cell phone literally every 5 minutes. She quit her job and they were married. He convinced her to sell her car and home, and to of course give that money to him. He immediately began to tap into all of her credit card accounts, maxing them all out and not allowing her to pay the bills. On a number of occasions, he has strangled her with a belt, punched her in the face, and given her bruises up and down her body. He calls her the most horrible names in the book, in private as well as in public. He threatens to do harm to her family, and has even cut my brake lines. She literally knows nothing about him, yet she believes that he is in the mafia and that if she leaves him, he'll put a hit out on her and the rest of the family. She believes he knows everyone in every police force and therefore they cannot to be trusted. She believes that he loves her.

And most painfully, she believes that she loves him.

She has had her chances to escape and repeatedly returns to him. She is your classic example of what happens to the mind of a victim of domestic violence. She refuses help. Because of this, I've almost given up hope for her return. I've basically lost my mom and my daughter has never known her grandmother.

This man may be able to silence her, but he will not silence me.

Maybe even if my mom is so far down this horrible cycle to never return, someone else isn't.

Maybe someone will read this and have the courage to escape.

This is not the life my mom wants. But this is all she thinks she's worth. This man has robbed her of everything. She literally prays at night for him to die so that she can be free because she thinks that's the only way out.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, know this-

THERE ARE WAYS OUT.

There is a whole network of people waiting to help you.

They can keep you safe.

But they can only help you if you ask for it.

No fairy godmother is going to come rescue you, you need to stand up for yourself and your family and GET OUT.

If nothing else, think of your children and how you are making them suffer.

Think of your mother and father and how much it kills them to see this happen to their baby.

Think of the person you were before this and what you would say to a friend who told you their husband beat them up.

Resources for victims of domestic violence:

www.domesticviolence.org

Common Ground Sanctuary 1-800-996-8808

HAVEN 1-877-922-1274

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ever.

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